Could someone please explain to me why I lose memories of events that are days, hours or minutes old and literally days can vanish from my memory, but things from 50 years are starting to come back? ita 1:30 am and I can smell my primary school swimming pool and...

1:30am Think I had a seizure last night. Just went for a wee and shouted to myself in the mirror “just die you cunt”. That’s the measure of my life right now. Pathetic really. This is what my ‘life’ has become. Death appeals to me more than living. No more pain,...

7pm I’m seriously worried. I was just watching ‘Wheeler Dealers’. It’s a TV show about buying broken cars, restoring them and selling them for a profit. Mid way through the episode I was watching it vanished and I found myself watching a different episode about a...

10:30am Memory still working ok so far. A few minor brain farts but nothing too worrying. I bit the bullet yesterday and informed DVLA about my seizures. I’m now banned from driving for 12 months again. I applied for a disabled bus pass but can’t get that until DVLA...

11:45am Memory has been ok the last few days. Woke up this morning with severe pain in my left hand. It radiates from the wrist into all four fingers and thumb. I can barely move or use my hand. It’s bloody painful. No idea what it is. Spoke with adult services, but...

There we go… sorted. I manage to do this without forgetting 😂 Just had a funny thought. When the Dr Angry Woman did her dementia telephone assessment on me, she said a name and address and asked me to repeat it immediately. It was something like Mr Smith, 21 London...

Sunday 5:40pm I have completely forgotten why I keep this journal. I think it was to document my back pain, but if I stay in bed for 3 weeks, I get 3 hours of near normality as a result. But this is now becoming a journal for storing memories and events due to my...

1:30am This notes app on my phone is either glitching out or my brain is. It keeps mixing up paragraphs. Anyway, I can’t remember too much about previous posts or what I’ve said. In actual fact I’ve forgotten what I was coming on...

Need to document this before I forget. My memory is getting worse. I keep forgetting to keep this journal updated. I know this to be a fact, I know my own mind. Doctors have no interest in me or what’s happening to me, but I know me, for now. Slowly but surely I’m...

11:45pm There was something I wanted to document on here for the last two days but I’ve forgotten what it was. What I can say is that a seizure is coming, I’ve had several near misses and I can feel it brewing. Every time I get an old memory or anything that feels...

11:50am Got my new mattress yesterday. It cost £2,000. My mum paid half and I’m paying the rest at £100 pm. Had my first pain free sleep in five years last night. I don’t want to get out of bed, I’m in heaven. No more seizures so far, I’m guessing because I’ve not...

1:20am It appears that drinking, smoking and starving yourself to death isn’t as easy as you’d think. Still, tomorrow’s another day. Can’t remember if I said but I’m pretty sure the tramadol were causing my seizures. The irony is hilarious! Spent almost 10 days...

1:40am Pals at derriford never got back to me. The lumps in my balls are still getting bigger, mental health is a rollercoaster, but no more seizures! This suggests to me that it’s the Tramadol that was causing them. If I barely move and lay on back on all day, I...

11:45pm Almost every day for months I’ve had ‘friends’ promise to come and see me. Not one has bothered. My loneliness is becoming hard to bear. I’ve never felt so lonely or alone in my life. This is new to me and extremely hard to deal with. The self pity is...

Feeling much better. My old mum of 78 years old got a taxi from Aylesbury for £380 to come and see me for a few days. She took me food shopping and bought me a new mattress for my back. She then spent another £350 on a taxi home today. I cried when she left because I...

8:30am Just got off the phone to the doctors. Receptionist was really sympathetic and tried to help but not much she can do to get the neurologist to contact me. She suggested I phone something called Pals at Derriford Hospital. They open at 9:30am so I’ll give it a...

2:30am Can’t sleep, I’ve lost my mind. Thought it was Tuesday. I’m struggling to keep track of days and times. I’ve forgotten all the work locations and have has to resign. My memory and cognitive functioning has taken a nose dive. I’m drinking twice as much as before...

2pm I cannot for the life of me remember what days I had seizures on. Most of last week no longer exists in my memory. It’s all a blur or a blank. My brain has been fried. This isn’t normal. I can’t remember work last week either. It’s scary.

11pm Had two more seizures today. Never made it to work. My mum called me mid seizure and said I was talking gibberish so she phoned 999. All very blurry. Whole week is becoming a blur. Don’t remember the journey in the ambulance. I know I had the second one in front...

4:00am. Strap in for this one. It’s a cracker!… Woke up Sunday morning. No sooner did my eyes open did I start to feel the onset of a seizure. Tried to fight it for a minute or so, but eventually curled up in a ball face down feeling like my life was about to end. It...

11:15pm Spent all weekend in bed readying my self for work next week. Six months with two days off is starting to take a toll. Anyway just thinking about my daughter after watching a movie. No one will ever understand how hard I have to work to bury the pain of losing...

1am This was supposed to be my week off. My first break since starting this job. They phoned me on Monday begging me to cancel my holiday and come back to work as they sacked everyone last week for taking drugs. I agreed to come back on Wednesday as my back popped on...

3am Can’t sleep. Got drug tested at work yesterday. I failed on tramadol. The irony! It’s actually hilarious, I only took on the job to help my back pain, even though it exacerbates it. I need tramadol to do the fucking job. Jesus Christ give me a break!!! 😂😂😂 Half...

Apologies for my depressive rants. Life is a battle and I seem to get battered in every skirmish. Anyway, I’m much calmer now and having a philosophical moment to reflect on my life… I can’t remember much about my previous posts as my memory is so shot, but my cat is...

22:50pm Regret that rant now. Life did get worse. Had to come home halfway through work because I left the cat flap open and saw Smokey dragging her dead arse around outside on cctv. When I got home Milo had a thorn bush branch embedded in his leg. We both fought...

9pm Will write this now, before I drink myself into oblivion (hopefully to death) with a cheap bottle of whiskey… Been a long day, few days in fact. Smokey, my eldest cat, fell down the stairs on Friday night and twisted badly as she tried to claw into the step to...

1am Feeling very suicidal. Been in a lot of physical pain today. Loneliness is excruciating. Back, feet, elbows and knees killing me all day. Gave up smoking. Lasted 8 hours. Life is a daily challenge. I’m tired of fighting it each and every day. Memory is getting...

1:00pm Had two seizure type episodes so far today. I’m still in bed as I didn’t wake up until 11am. Both ‘events’ happened whilst laying in bed watching tv. The second one felt like my life was ending and I was slipping away. I had a strange smell and taste of metal...

11:55pm Weird one, but I’ve smelt an undeniable aroma of burning every night for weeks on end. It’s not my imagination, I can actually smell it. Yet next morning nothing burned. What the fuck is that about? A sign? A warning? An epiphany? A foresight? I’m fucked if I...

10:45pm Spent last two weekends in bed due to joint pain. Back half popped today. One false move and I’ll be set back 5 years. Terrified to move. Conscious of every slight muscle movement. When I say half popped I mean exactly that. It felt like a disc or a bone moved...

9:30pm I’ve just had an epiphany… Have I suffered intolerable and immense, seemingly never ending pain and misery in the last few years? Yes. Without a doubt. But here’s the flip side… In my younger life did I experience luck, happiness and joy on a similar level....

10:40pm Got my confirmation of my MRI scan today. it’s not in Wales and it’s not an open top scanner. It’s in Plymouth and in the same scanner I crawled out of screaming three times. They’re a fucking joke. It’s beyond belief at this point. Been helping the parcel...

9:15pm Received a phone call from Derriford Hospital at 6pm yesterday (Sunday) asking me attend the SDEC unit in AAU at 8am this morning for an ‘urgent medical assessment. Hardly slept all night worrying myself sick. Got there at 9am and waited until 11am whereupon a...

1:25am Not a good day. Woke up to the news a good friend walked in front of a train this morning at 7am. Absolutely gutted, he was a lovely bloke. It’s cut deep. Rest in peace, Sean 😥 Had my hospital appointment. Neurologist immediately assumed it’s addisons disease....

1:15am Finally got a call back from the fit clinic today. They said they will make me an appointment in 6-8 weeks. AAU have no record of me and don’t want or need to see me. Whatever. I’ve given up. Ache all over, memory still a mess, tired all the time.

8:20pm Been to work the last two days. Really struggling with memory. Having to do everything really slow and double check everything. Got into an absolute mess today trying to put the labels on the sacks. I do it in alphabetical order but got in a right state trying...

I’m in bits, fucking devastated. The ‘first fit’ clinic I’ve been referred to isn’t a gym or something - ‘first fitness’ as I thought. Its fit as in seizure fit. My life is now fucked. I’m not allowed to drive and my license is as good as gone. I’ve been crying all...

1am Just got home from hospital again! I phoned nhs direct when I woke up this morning / afternoon as I felt very odd still. They insisted on sending an ambulance to take me back to hospital. Cut a long story short, spent all day in the back of an ambulance in the...

1am. Not long been home from hospital. My blood is not good, I’m getting black blood bruises all over my arms for no reason. Sat at my desk at home today I started feeling woozy and started getting horrible Deja vu. It felt exactly like when I had seizures. I got on...

10:15pm I’ve been in a lot of pain since Friday. Today was unbearable. My feet, ankles and knees are agony. So much so, it hurts to have my feet on the ground. No amount of pain relief seems to even take the edge off. I feel as though I’ve been beaten on my heels and...

Only cataloguing this for the shits and giggles… Doctor Dickhead Newton… no relation to Isaac, phoned me on my pre-booked telephone consultation from 6 weeks ago after my test results. That in itself is hilarious, but it gets better, lol… Now I can’t lie, I’m a...

11:15pm Let me just start by saying you have no clue about pain until you stub your big toe with psoriasis under the nail. It’s like 6 million volts of electricity surging through the toe for 5 minutes solid!!! 😂 I was just limping to bed from the lounge in the dark...

3am Lots of pain today, no longer give a fuck. Bla bla bla, bored of this, bored of life, bored of everything. Nothing has any meaning anymore. Just ticking along until I die. That’s life. That’s it. Shit isn’t it! Eat, sleep, work, piss, shit, repeat. Life is...

11:20pm Can’t be bothered with this diary or whatever it is anymore. The novelty of having a car and eating is wearing off fast. It’s a daily battle to eat and it’s tiring. Love my job, hate the pain, bored of life. That’s about it really. It never ends, it just goes...

8:20pm Another good day. Took just two tramadol and a naproxen before work and experienced very little pain all day. Hurting a bit now, but not enough that requires more pain relief. Very warm weather, minimal pain, eating well and a driving license - I’m in heaven....

9:30pm Decent day. Drove to town to get duvet washed after cat weed on it. Had beans on toast in a cafe. Took 4 tramadol and a naproxen before work, which did the job. Minor pain towards the end of the shift, but massive relief not having to walk home. I can cope with...

8:10pm Left work at 8:00pm on the dot. Arrived home at 8:03 on the dot. My 1-3 hour daily agonising walk has been wiped out by the stroke of a doctors pen and the click of a DVLA mouse. How I survived almost three months of that I will never know. If I had to walk...

5:40pm Not posted in a while as I bought a car in a rush on Friday morning as I just couldn’t face another day of walking to work in the wind and rain. The dealer was an Irishman from Jennycliff. I explained my situation and he sent his dad out to pick me up and to...

9pm What a day… Blood tests done. Testicles scan done. Work done. Got my driving licence back. It’s my 55th birthday. That’s right you read correctly… I GOT MY DRIVING LICENSE BACK!!!! They just had to make it on my birthday and the same day of the scan, haha. The...

12:15pm Thank God April is over! Just had Dr Newman’s callback. Again, I could barely get a word in. He is certain that all my joint pain is actually muscle pain which will be because I’ve started walking again. He insisted that I do not need to see a rheumatologist...

11:15pm Didn’t wake up until 1:45 pm. Could hardly sleep because of the pain and eventually fell asleep at about 6am. Took pain relief as soon as I woke up and have been relatively OK since then. Hard day at work, but no severe pain today. Pain was minimal, thank God....

11:05pm Just read my last entry here and it’s blown my mind. I was chatting with Chris at work about the weekend’s football. I’m an Arsenal fan and he’s a Chelsea fan. After chatting about the Arsenal game, I asked who Chelsea played and what the score was. He told me...

11:20am Still in immense pain. Dreading the walk to work today. Didn’t eat yesterday, probably won’t eat today. Losing the will to live rapidly. I’m struggling to think of a single reason for living. 1pm Booked a taxi to work. Will probably get one home too. 8:30pm...

10:10pm This has to be the longest month in my life. Anyway, agonising day, so damn busy at work. Pain relief wore off quickly and I worked through the pain barrier and was in agony walking / shuffling home. Had an Asda delivery between 8:30 and 9:30. He was outside...

1:15am OK day, average pain, left hand dodgy as hell. Still no driving license. Struggled walking home. Just so tired and achy.

10:40pm Got a letter in the post this morning from Derriford Hospital. I have an ultrasound scan on my nuts booked for 2:50pm on 2nd May - my 55th birthday 🤣🥳🎉🍾 Better still… very minor pain today and Arsenal beat Chelsea 5-0, and I had an Indian for dinner! What a...

11:45am Had a horrible night. Intermittent sleep broken by severe pain in back, knees, hips, elbows, ankles, neck and hands. Ended up trying to sleep on the floor. Took pain relief the moment I woke up, which is kicking in now. Lumps on testicles are now almost as big...

12:35pm Slightly concerned that I woke up from a deep sleep in a lot of pain several times last night. That’s a first. My knees were really painful and my ankles not far behind. I’ve been awake an hour or two and they still hurt, as does my back and elbows. I’m hoping...

7:40pm Feel better today. Long sleep and loads of rest. A bit stiff and achy but no need for pain relief if I don’t move. Watching Arsenal and cooking chips and beans in a four stage process to avoid pain.

10:15am Woke up in a fair bit of pain. Phoned DVLA and they say they they still haven’t received the medical form from my GP. I phoned the GP and they confirmed that it was sent to DVLA on the 9th April. I also asked about the appointment with a Rheumatologist that...

3:10pm Went to ridgeway on the bus for a long overdue haircut. Forgot to take pain relief. Leaving for work in a lot of pain. Whoops! 10:50pm Walk to work was very painful but the pain relief kicked in by the time I got there. Only a little pain walking home due to...

Same shit different day. Too tired and depressed to even bother. Cut a long story short… lots of pain, very little hope, no driving license, lumps in balls getting bigger. Don’t even care anymore. Pathetic… just give me cancer, a heart attack or a stroke. Fucking...

2:50pm Ready for work, dosed up with pain relief, minimal pain. Let battle commence. 8:10pm Finished work 10 minutes early. Manageable and bearable pain all day. Until the walk home! I’ve had to stop as it feels like my back is about to snap and my hips or pelvis - I...

12pm Had 12 hours sleep yet feel rough as hell. Knees, hips and back ache, and also feel physically sick. Not sure if it’s hunger, but I have zero energy. I just feel physically and mentally drained. Desperately need to get washed and dressed, eat and get a haircut,...

1:40m I said a while ago that my neck hurts on the left side. It still does, but just feels like a sore muscle, but I just muted the tv and started turning my head left to right to stretch the muscle and it’s making a scraping / grinding sound when I turn my head....

4:40pm Hardly moved all day, so in virtually no pain at all. No need for pain relief either. If I stand up, walk or sit down the pain starts. Laying on my left side is the only way I can be almost pain free. Strange! Phoned the Surgical Assessment Unit and explained I...

3:15pm Leaving for work in 10 minutes. Having a great day so far. Got up early, sky was blue and the sun is shining. Got the bus to ridgeway and had a toasted cheese, tomato and onion sandwich with chips and beans. It was bliss. Bought cat food, new reading glasses...

10.30am Sorry, had bit of a breakdown last night. Feel a bit better now, but not much. I’m just so tired, shattered and in constant pain. I feel drained and have very little energy. I think I might need to quit this job, but the loneliness and boredom terrifies me if...

1:30pm Lost my umbrella yesterday, no idea where or how, but it’s raining pretty hard right now. Spoke with DVLA, the doctors haven’t returned the form yet and they told me it’ll take 2 weeks to be processed once received and then further time to be reviewed. I’m...

12:30pm I’m in pain, but also tears - of laughter. This is so ridiculous now it’s comical… Didn’t get a selfie in the end. But I did sit there watching the Dr searching Google for my symptoms. I kid you not! After being sent there by the emergency doctor advising an...

10:20am Here’s a snapshot of my morning routine: Wake up feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus, hurting all over, mostly my back. Brain foggy as hell and feeling tired and fearful of the day ahead. Cats fighting over me for food. Feed cats and make coffee. Go for my...

11pm Arsenal won, Liverpool drew. Happy. Had no pain relief as I’ve not left the sofa all weekend. In a fair bit of pain, but saving medication for work. Can’t wait to get back to work tomorrow if I’m honest, weekends are boring and lonely. Haven’t eaten much at all....

11pm Strange day. Took my pain relief late, about 2pm. Probably done me a favour as I didn’t have much pain at work until 8pm. Had to take more tablets at 8pm, but absolutely fine now. Had a massive ‘twinge’ in my lower back walking to work. The sort of twinge that...

11:20pm OK day, pain in all the usual places, but starting to creep more into my hands, which severely concerns me. Back was the worst, but not agonising, which was a bonus. Very uncomfortable and painful though. Ate the pasta ready meal, well, probably less than half...

2pm Taken my pain relief and feel relatively ok. Pain all over, but manageable. I’ve got a lift home tonight because Arsenal kick off at 7:30pm. I’ll miss the first half though. Desperately need a shower and to do some housework. The latter can wait, I’m waiting for...

7am. Woke up at 6am in a lot of pain. It’s mainly my knees. My back is bad, but my knees hurt like hell. Just taken tramadol and naproxen. I’m at an absolute loss as to what to do. Phoning the doctors seems a waste of time and precious energy. They get angry with me...

Not left the house all Easter. Hardly moved from the sofa either. My knees are killing me, so are my hips and back, but I’m limiting my pain relief for work days. I think I know what’s wrong with me. Everything points to Psoriatic Arthritis. The joint pains, back...

11:15am Been awake an hour, but so tired still. Legs and back aching, but not agony, so I’ll take pain relief around midday. The snow has gone, but has been replaced with monsoon hail, thunder and lightning. 11:30pm Average day, average pain. Nothing new to report....

10:30am OK, so my dreams aren’t always better than reality. Had a horrible dream last night. I dreamt that I collapsed at work and they drove me to McDonald’s and made me eat meat. Which reminds me, I never made it to McDonald’s yesterday. I went into some grotty cafe...

10:30am This is getting ridiculous now. I finally got through to the x-ray department where they have received my referral, but they have refused my x-ray for the second time stating that I need to be seen by a rheumatologist, whatever that is. I then phoned the GP...

Haven’t taken any pain relief over the weekend. So I’ve been in quite a bit of pain. I’m having to ration my medication for work because I’ve ordered more online and it’s on hold until the doctor approves it. This usually takes several weeks. I also phoned the x-ray...

Don’t really know what to say. Same old, same old. Nothing changes, nothing improves, nothing worse either. Stalemate. I am fast losing interest in keeping this diary, journal or whatever it is. No one will read it or care. It’s all a bit pointless really. Work was...

9:30pm My mind is officially blown. I mentioned the lump on my testicles before. I checked it again today and they have both grown a lot. Although the lumps are not on the testicle, but more behind, I think it’s the tube that are blocked, not the testicles. This would...

2pm Having learned from yesterday‘s mistake, I’ve eaten beans on toast and a packet of crisps. I’ve taken my naproxen and four tramadol. I’m relatively pain-free, but not completely. Stop the medication the pain quickly comes back. Essentially, I’m dousing the flames...

I’ve just woken up and I feel like hell so I’ve loaded up immediately with four tramadol and naproxen. I’ll do the same at 3:30 pm. I didn’t get my 12 hours sleep and I’ve run out of coffee and milk powder and it’s pissing down with rain. Looks like it’s going to be...

I’ve been trying to get through to the doctors all morning. After four hours, I finally got through. They say they haven’t received the forms. I know for a fact, DVLA did email the medical forms, but they haven't received them. I was also informed that even when they...

I got a lift home after work on Friday as the girls insisted we go for a drink to celebrate my first week at work. After that, I went to bed on the sofa and I’m still there now. Recovering and recuperating. My neck hurts for some strange reason. No word on my driving...

I didn’t die in my sleep, another day to confront and battle through. Finally got through to DVLA and they are emailing the GP. I can only hope and pray he responds quickly and emails them back. It’s a five minute job! Still aching all over but I’ll take some tramadol...

I fell asleep at 10:30pm last night. I was shattered. I woke up at 10:30am. Still aching quite a bit and it’s that horrible drizzly, misty rain outside. It sticks to you and absolutely drenches you. I’m really not looking forward to the walk to work. I desperately...

10am I’ve just woken up and I feel like hell. It feels like I’ve been hit, run over and reversed on by a double-decker bus. I’ve got to walk to work soon and stand on my feet for four hours solid, only to walk home again. I am just praying it doesn’t rain again today...

Disaster of a day! I’m in absolute agony with my back. Everything that could’ve gone wrong today, did. And more. Going to bed now. The pain is excruciating. It’s now midnight and the tramadol and naproxen are starting to kick in. The pain is almost bearable and...

I am seriously concerned. It is 10:30am and I’ve been up since 4am getting things ready for work. Washed and ironed my clothes had a shower and made some toast. I’m now back in bed because my ankles feet and knees are killing me. I start work at 4pm. I’m absolutely...

In or around 2017 I was wrongly diagnosed with Addison’s disease by Derriford Hospital and given hydrocortisone steroids because my adrenal gland wasn’t working. The problem was that my adrenal gland did work. It stopped working because the steroid creams they had...